Lael Greenleaf
May 17, 2024
Funeral Information
May 20 2024 - 12:00 pm
New Light Cemetery, 750 Soose Road, Pittsburgh (Shaler Township) 15209
LAEL GREENLEAF: Lael (formerly Jael) Greenleaf died on May 17th, 2024, following a long decline due to chronic health problems. He was 79 years old. He is survived by daughter Rhiannon (Bree) Staats, fiancee Beth Wallach, a huge circle of friends, former and current clients, AA and ACoA members throughout the world, his cherished online community, and his adorable dogs: Stanley and Ralph. His parents, Wallace Parker and Margaret (Elsie) Ward Parker, both died very young, when Lael was in his early 20s.
Lael was an innovator and a leader. He was an early member of the first food co-op in Pittsburgh, learning to make and sell bread and yogurt in the process. He helped to organize the first gay rights march in Pittsburgh, which he later described as 4 friends walking through the Hill District holding a banner. Much later, he was a primary organizer of the first conference of the National Association of Children of Alcoholics.
Lael was the definition of a self made man. After surviving polio at the age of 5, he rode horses, especially his beloved Bridget, and went on to become a body builder in adulthood. Catching hints that his family had Jewish roots, he began his quest to convert to Judaism at age 13, and became an active member of the Los Angeles and then Pittsburgh Jewish communities. He studied Torah and Talmud with his usual enthusiasm, and applied to rabbinical school. (He was probably rejected for rabbinical school at that time for being gender-nonconforming.) Lael changed his name twice during his life, and in his 70s started transitioning to become more of who he already was. A professionally trained violinist, he worked as a farmer, motorcycle mechanic, radio host, and many other fields. Then found his true calling in addiction and mental health work:
Working with alcoholics and their families, he observed specific traits that people raised in alcoholic homes often had. He clarified the defining characteristics of adult children of alcoholics, proposed a psychological etiology of the syndrome, and differentiated it from from the symptoms common in spouses of alcoholics. Coordinating with a small team of addictions and mental health workers, he became a founding member of the National Association of Children of Alcoholics (now "Addictions") in the 1980s. He then created and ran life skills workshops for children of alcoholics, full of behavioral exercises, psychoeducation, emotional support, and humor. He spoke about alcoholic family dynamics at professional conferences as well, educating health care providers on the syndrome and it's remedies. During that time, he attended graduate school, became a licensed marriage and family therapist, and then had a fulfilling career as a psychotherapist. He saw many kinds of clients, but maintained specialties in adult children of addictive families, and people seeking conversion to Judaism who were referred to him by rabbis in the Los Angeles area. He was very proud of this work, and he loved doing it. He was still working at the time of his death.
Lael is the author of a succinct 1981 booklet about alcoholism in the family: "Co-alcoholic/Para-alcoholic: Who's who and what's the difference?", which is still cited in today's addiction publications. This work opened the conversation about how children of alcoholics were different than spouses of alcoholics, and needed different treatment, and how ACoAs learned coping strategies from both parents' behaviors. Additionally, in 1991, he wrote a High Holidays preparation workbook, full of questions and writing exercises for each day of the month of Elul: "Where Are You? The inventory of the soul in preparation for the High Holy Days." Lael also created and led workshops and therapy groups for people raised in alcoholic homes, helping thousands of people throughout the United States and in other countries.
Deborah Kitay gave Lael the biggest blessing of his life, their daughter Rhiannon. They relocated to Vermont in 2002, and got a civil union, giving them official status as a family, something just becoming possible when they did so. Lael loved his daughter fiercely, and fought to maintain a legal before any laws established that right. He loved being a parent, always eager to see where Rhiannon's curiosity would take her, and celebrating her kindness, intelligence, quick wit, enthusiasm, and independent spirit.
Treating the impact of addiction on family members did not protect Lael from the danger of self-medicating with alcohol during an incredibly stressful and lonely time in his 50s and 60s. After some years of active alcoholism, he practiced what he taught others: He went to rehab, did his internal work, and followed through with AA for the rest of his life. He collected his 15 year sobriety chip a week before his death.
Lael's death should have surprised on one. Both post-polio syndrome and COPD had caught up with him, causing losses in mobility, strength, and stamina, and preventing him from fully recovering from RSV last winter. But it was shocking because he was so alive! He found creative ways to manage and enjoy his life first with crutches, then a motorized wheelchair, and eventually 24/7 oxygen supplementation. His brain never stopped working -- he read multiple books at a time, and enjoyed long conversations with friends. His posts on social media were thoughtful and forceful regarding issues he was passionate about, including the protection of the State of Israel, mental health, rights for transgendered people, vaccinations, addictions, and grammar. Ever hopeful in his approach to life, Lael was engaged to be married at the time of his death to Beth Wallach, who he met at Congregation Bet Tikvah in Pittsburgh. They shared a passion for Judaism, careers in mental health, a willingness to be emotional aware and honest, and an enjoyment of spirited disagreement.
Lael lived big. He took big risks - he won some and lost some. Lael loved big too. He valued how much his life was enriched by his many friends and former partners. He touched many lives over his many decades with his warmth, his wisdom, and his authenticity. People who took his workshops were so impacted that many have reached out to him decades later. He occasionally received copies of books written by former workshop attendees or therapy clients, publicly crediting him with some of the life lessons they incorporated into their work. The servers at his favorite restaurant told him of their troubles and their dreams, and were greatly saddened by his death. Lael's Shivas were attended by online and in-person friends from many stages of his life, clients, synagogue members, Recovery community members, and ex-partners -- each with stories of the impact he had on them. His memory will always be a blessing.
A celebration of life will be held some time in the next year. If you would like to participate in that, please email Beth at bethwallach1964@gmail.com and use the word "Greenleaf" in the subject heading.
In lieu of flowers, please make a charitable donation to something he valued: Squirrel Hill Food Pantry, 828 Hazelwood Avenue, Pittsburgh, PA 15217, https://jfcspgh.networkforgood.com/projects/80254-general-jfcs
Bring Them Home Now for the Israeli Hostages and their families, Jgive.com
Central Outreach Wellness Center, www.centraloutreach.com
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My deepest condolences, to all who knew Leal. He was a wonderful man, who always made me laugh. I had the pleasure of getting to know him, for the past couple years, and will always be thankful for him. He was one of my favorite customers at Eat n Park. seeing him and Beth together, smiling and laughing, would always make my rough days better. He will be missed.
By Shawna Fitzhenry - May 20, 2024
I’m so sorry for Lael’s fiancé, Beth,and daughter. I didn’t know him well, just from waiting on him at ENP, but he was very kind. We will all miss him!
By Sherry Andeits - May 20, 2024
I send my love to Lael’s many friends , fiancé Beth and daughter Rhiannon . I’ve known Lael since the early 1980s where we bonded in our early Adult Children’s movement. He was also a founding member of the National Assn for children of addiction. It continues today 45 years later. Bright , witty , passionate , activist and avid reader . His legacy will carry on. 😓
By Claudia Black - May 19, 2024